Oh, hi. It's been a while, hasn't it?

A lot has changed. 

I don't really know how to go about this so I'll just go ahead and say it: I've been dealing with a lot of shit. Personal shit, but nothing devastating. Bryan and I are still together, my family is still intact, I still have friends, I still have a job, I still have things to make me happy. 

Except myself. This past year/last couple of months have been taking their toll on me. I've noticed since leaving high school, my anxiety has increased and has become sort of like a Hydra: slice one of it's heads off, another one grows back. It's a never ending cycle of worry and self doubt and shame and feeling like a lost, lonely puppy. Just when I think I'm good to go, another problem pops up in my head and I stress and turn more hair grey and shake and want to run to the bathroom and cry until I feel okay again. I know a lot of people probably just think that this is easy and all I have to do is not let it get to me, but I can't. I can't stop it. I think about how I really want to go back to school and get my bachelor's, but then I think about money and how I don't have enough and don't even know the first thing about getting that money. I think about how I need to get out of my car because it's 14 years old and things are falling apart, but I don't have the money for that either. I have plenty in my savings (finally, that was like pulling teeth to get me to open up my own account under my name and start a savings) but not even enough for a down payment, unless I want to buy one of those beat up, POSes on the side of the road. I even think about when friends invite me out to go do things, even if it's just a drink, but I'm too anxious to go see people, even if I've known them for years, so I don't go out and just stay home because it's easier and I don't have to worry about coming off too awkward or weird or worry about how people see me. My motivation has gone completely flat. I start something and when it doesn't turn out how I envisioned it, I give up. I don't want to give up. I get so mad at seeing other people attempt and do things because I can't figure out how to get myself to do it. 

I don't want to give up. 

It's not in my nature to give up. I know I'm too stubborn and hardheaded to give up. It's like it comes in waves. I get all excited because I have an idea of what I'm going to do when I get off work and go home and then once I get there, it's drained out of me. Start a new painting? Nah, I'll just watch some Netflix. Start yoga up again? Well, I haven't played Animal Crossing in 2 days, so I'll just do that. Start cleaning up my room because it's an awful wreck? I'll just open this bottle of wine and distract myself from it. I even started a book around Christmas and I'm just now 80% done with it. It's like I can't do anything without distracting myself from it and it's truly stressing me out because by the time I decide, "oh shit, I haven't done anything all day!" it's already 9 p.m. and I have barely enough motivation to shower before bed. 

I finally (after some persuasion from my mom) to give going to the doctor a chance. I haven't talked to a doctor about my real problems since I started 8th grade when I decided I didn't feel like I needed to take anything for my ADHD. Just getting all this out is helping, even though in the back of my mind, I'm telling myself that no one will see this or care about it. I've attempted and stopped myself so many times from making vague Facebook statuses about how I've been feeling but anxiety reared it's ugly head and told me that no one cares about my problems, about my anxiety, about how I really do miss my friends but I don't know how to tell them I'm too scared to hang out with them because I feel like a loser compared to them. 

 I don't want this to seem like a cop out. I know a lot of people come up with excuses all the time, but I feel sincere and genuine when I say that I really want to get better, and hopefully finally talking to a doctor will help and we can find out what will help me. Maybe then I'll actually start giving a shit about my life and not burying myself into a security blanket and staying there until all my problems go away. I know this is little compared to what other people are going through, this is barely a scratch compared to others. But it's been affecting me for 6 years and just keeps getting worse and I feel like I'm going to reach my breaking point soon. I'm doing this for me. I'm finally doing something to help me. I always feel like I want to help everyone else (even if it doesn't seem like it) but I can't even bring myself to help myself. I'm almost 25. I still live at home, I need a better job, a better car, a desire to go back to school, but with all this anxiety, it feels like a roadblock. I want to bulldoze this roadblock, if not entirely then enough so it's out of the way I want to go (this is a weird analogy, but that's why I majored in art, not in English. I no words so good.).

It feels really good to finally get this off my chest, even if it is only for a short while. My appointment is in 2 weeks, maybe I'll feel brave enough (so brave, I know, like I said, my problem is big to me even though it's tiny compared to others) to spill how I'm feeling again. Hell, even this is kind of therapeutic even if it does feel kind of like a stupid after-school PSA. 

I know this has gotten a little on the rambling side, but if you've stuck through and actually read this, then I present you this corgi gif:

Feel like bakin' love

Oh. Hi. Yeah, it's been a while who da fuq cares. How've you been? Good? Good. With the semester coming to an end (have I mentioned it's my last? 5 years of half-assing certain classes sure does fly by) and just being too lazy to try to come up with anything, I've been "busy". But we're not here to talk pleasantries or go over what hasn't happened ('cause let's be real, nothing has happened). I came here with purpose. And that purpose is muthafuckin' baked good. It's that time to get really excited about this. I've been spending hours on tastespotting, emailing Bryan endless lists of fall recipes we need to make (we won't but I can dream) and finding all the pumpkin filled treats I can. Sometimes, when I think about baking it just feels right. I usually always have a panic attack about it getting slightly screwed up or not paying attention to directions or SOMETHING, but Sunday I didn't!

oh jfc

NOT EVEN GONNA LIE, these are good. Bryan said the cookie crust was a little too sweet and I said the pumpkin was a little too farty, but WHATEVER. It was good.

I got the recipe from tastykitchen and just made it on a whim. I've been kinda wanting to do a ~food blog~ since Bryan and I have been cooking more but that takes time and thousand of pictures and I just wanna showcase my awesome baking skills that are gonna be coming out of this holiday season ('cause there will be). Today I'm gonna bake these for my company Thanksgiving because I know they got free cobbler to go with it, but I'm not big on cobbler, I don't know if it's even good, I'm trying to show off and pumpkin forever. I'm not even gonna bother on Thursday though (maybe) since my parents just ordered a whole family meal from Cowboy Chicken and all of us have to work Friday (I hate everyone who gets a day off, tbh) and it's not worth making a real spread this year.

I hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving!

Dogs & happiness

I promise I'm not dead. The semester I just finished was one of the longest and exhausting I've ever gone through, but that could be because it's my final year at NCTC and I just wanted this shit to be done with. But good news! I only have to retake this math class that has been eating my life away and my final math class and I. AM. DONE. And then I get to figure out which of the two big universities in my area and what major and how to get money and other stressful bullshit that will come in the next 3 months.

Anyways, I digress. This is a happy post! I never mentioned anything on here because idk, I suck at blogging w/e w/e w/e. As many people know, it's been a little over a year since we lost our dog Jessie. After she passed, there was an empty void in our house. Around Mother's Day that same year, my parents went out to Tractor Supply where an animal shelter was having an adoption event. That's where my mom met Kesha.

She's crazy, energetic and also one of the sweetest dogs I've come across. She suits this family perfectly. I was a little apprehensive about her at first because of her stupid amounts of energy she has, mainly because of Mimi and how she'd function around the house with her but it seems to be working out okay (Mimi doesn't care for dogs tbh). Kesha's become my little buddy in such little time. Every morning she runs out of my parents room to sit by my door to see if I'm okay. She'll launch herself into my arms when I'm in bed and then speeds off.
Plus she does this

And this face just kills me omg

So, thank you little one. I'm glad you come into our home in a really sad time and for probably being  the best Mother's Day present my mom could ask for. And for all you other mothers, I hope y'all have a great Mother's Day and get all kinds of cool shit! I think I may take my mom out to brunch and then to see Dark Shadows since we're both big on the soap opera. It's so super cheesy, you should really check it out. p.s. I promise I will do better at blogging now that I have plenty of time. Maybe I can even be like a ~real blogger~ and do weekly themed stuff. WHO KNOWS.

I Was a Teenage Mall Goth

Growing up, I only listened to three types of music: 90s country, the oldies, and smooth jazz so I could sleep at night, so if you're judging me right now then you'll really be pulling up your judging pants in a minute. It wasn't until my sister hit high school that I even learned about ~real music~ aka shitty radio metal and bands whose CDs I grabbed because the cover looked cool (tbh, I still do this with books and movies but not with music because I only listen to the Beatles). Every night and morning, the radio was always on the local hard rock station. I was fascinated by it and I can't even begin to explain why. It was so different and cool to me, the weird, awkward, trying to find who I am preteen that I was before I became a younger, smaller, less cool version of my sister with a more Hot Topic flair and way more eyeliner and questionable fashion. And I'll be honest, I still love it. I can't help it! It's fused in my blood to love music most people would be embarrassed to admit they listen to when they plan on changing a channel, but oh man this song brings me back and holy shit, I haven't heard this in forever bro!

So I decided to share with y'all some of the sweet jams that are still dear to my forever a baby goth heart.

I can't help my eternal love for Rob Zombie.

this isn't even shitty...

It's totally okay if you sang along to these.

Oh yeah, it's a new year

Well I suck at this whole blogging thing. And by "I suck", I really mean I come up with a really good idea to talk about (like how Buffy Summers is amazing, but if you didn't already know that then get out of my life) and then forget because the internet exists. This isn't going to be a recap blog because to be honest, I didn't do shit but go to school, go to work, drink a whole bottle of wine and then watch ghost stuff. Every day. I mean, some cool stuff happened:

• Bryan and I made it to four years without killing each other (yet).
• I didn't almost get kicked out of school again and I actually have this semester and one summer class to take until I can graduate, so go me!
• I grew up a little bit and made a hair appointment. By myself! At a completely different salon than I had been going to! (shout out to HeadRush, btw)
• I'm slightly up with technology! 'sup, iPhone 3GS and 3rd generation Kindle! Sorry I didn't wait to get y'all when you decided to come out with cooler stuff right after I got y'all!
• Oh yeah, and we got a new dog, my new baby cousin and I share a birthday, and my family suffered some personal losses but we're managing.

Oh yeah, I'm not making any resolutions because I've decided to ~work on myself~ month by month because it just seems easier and less likely to hurt my feelings if I don't reach them, so don't be that person and ask me what my resolutions are because I'll just stare at you.

Hi kids, do you like violence?

Yes, I started this blog with a Slim Shady reference. Shut up and get over it.

If you didn't know, Halloween is my most favorite holiday. My birthday and Christmas are tied because duh, presents. I just love the idea of unique costumes, candy, little kids in costumes, more candy, fall, fall themed beer, candy, pumpkins, candy, the list goes on and on. My favorite Halloween moments include my dad telling all the trick or treaters that came to our house that they had to kiss this rubber hand we grew in a bowl of water in secret in his closet if they wanted any candy from us and making a little girl so scared that she ran off the porch and the time I got double the candy because I was dressed as a bride. Good times, good times. Unfortunately, I haven't really got to do much for the holiday for a while. The closest I've gotten was going to my cousin's wedding this time last year in San Antonio and seeing all the costumes on the River Walk. Also good times (happy anniversary shout out to my cousin and his wife if they see this).

So I decided to compile my favorite ~Halloweeny~ songs and make a playlist. I had too much fun making this. Just excuse the Panic! At The Disco cover. I didn't have the patience to look for the original.

Now, y'all go have fun and get as drunk as possible in your really cool costumes. Love y'all.

miss me yet?

holy shit. holy. shit. I keep forgetting I have a blog and the last time I updated, it was really self centered. so what's been happening in the life of Bea? well, I'm back in school and hopefully this will be my very last year. I haven't been doing much of anything besides work, trying to figure out Words With Friends, reading The Hobbit, and hanging out with Bryan.

but, now that it's a whole new month, I'm going to start a whole new list of goals. I'm in a horticulture class this semester, so I decided I should really start caring about making my own food and maybe even getting better than my mom at it (she's a beast at it, so if I can beat her salsa or buttermilk pie, then I am full of winning tiger's blood or whatever the cool new phrase is). Plus it gives me something to be excited about since it's been a week and I haven't killed my plants yet. STEVE HOLT. \O/

I've also decided I need to actually come up with some art projects to keep myself preoccupied and maybes even finish the circle scarf I started crochetting before it gets cold out, whenever that may be. hell, I may even figure out how a knitting loom works finally (thanks, future MIL!). besides, ~idle hands are the devils playthings~ or whatever. I dunno, I've been drinking.

now if you excuse me, I have a test to study for and more Mark Twain to read. I'll have an actually good post later.

They Say It's Your Birthday

If you aren't friends with me on facebook and got the ~someone has a birthday~ email or follow me on twitter and listen to me talk about how I'm not sure how to feel about it or if you just don't know me at all, I have a birthday this week. Tomorrow, actually. Big ol' 22 years old. I'm still as excited about birthdays like I'm still 5. I want presents. I want cake. I want people to just fawn over me and pay attention to me me me. Nope, no one else gets to have a birthday when I have one. I'm the important one here, hello.

All my vanities aside, I feel like I get the right to be selfish and spoiled on my birthday. I wasn't even supposed to be born. I fell in that 1% that the birth control can't control. Not only was I not supposed to even be here, I gave my mom hell while she was carrying me with diabetes. Then to top it off, I was born early and I was sick. So sick that I made my grandfather cry because he thought there was no chance in hell I'd make it. I had see through eyelids, people. That's why there are no newborn pictures of me. No one wants to see that shit. That ain't normal or cute. Plus I never slept and apparently looked like Yoda. What. Even.

Yet here I am. I should live to celebrate my birthday. I should be excited that I made it to another year, with or without the threat of a family member telling me to stop whatever I'm doing if I want to make it to that next birthday (if I could have a dollar for every time I heard that....it'd all be gone by the next day. I suck at money. It's whatever). And I am. I just miss people other than myself making a big deal of it. I mean, yeah every year my mom and I have a few drinks and she tells me the same stories every year and how I scared the shit out of everyone because no one knew if I was going to be okay or not, but I'd at least like it if letting me pick out a restaurant wasn't like pulling teeth...mom.

So yay! Happy birthday to me! I'm happy to have not died! And yes, I wish I could get something to signify how lucky I am with a tattoo. Preferably while on NY Ink while crying my eyes out about how grateful I am and all that blah blah blah.

Pipe dreams, y'all. Pipe dreams.

I Feel Pretty

I have a problem. I see these gorgeous, skinny, long haired babes and I'm like "hey, I can look as good as they do! I have almost the same clothes they do, I can make this work." Which turns out, no, no I can't. I'm short, chubby and my hair really needs to be cut and not by myself. I can't really dress myself because I end up hating how everything looks on me and I almost want to just crawl into bed all day because if I go out, I'll end up thinking everyone is judging me. Kinda like how I think everyone is judging me for being "dressed up" and not wearing sweatpants like them, which is stupid because if I'm gonna be in sweatpants, then I'm gonna want to be in bed with a beer and something shitty on TV. I know that I have self-esteem issues that came from gaining all the weight from moving out in the country where there's literally nothing do. Then I lost it because I got my first boyfriend and didn't want him to see me eat. Then I gained it because I figured there was nothing to do but eat. Then I kinda lost it and it kept yo-yo-ing and plateauing until I met Bryan and got on birth control, where everything evened out until I got the Comfortable Weight from eating all the time from dates and trying to keep up with him and his insane metabolism. Then I gained more when we broke up and I gained more when we got back together. Oh yeah, and then when I turned 21 last year and haven't put the beer bottle down.

I know you're wondering, why am I spilling my heart and guts out to everyone about my shitty feelings about myself? Well, I really do like myself. I do. I happen to think I'm hilarious, gorgeous, incredibly nice when really I'm cranky from working all the time and not sleeping, and I like to make sure everyone I care about is okay. I just don't like my weight. I already know that my frame is supposed to be small, but not small like my mom was when she was my age. That's just freaky. I just want to not feel so gross. I know others don't see me as gross, even when my hair is greasy and my face is broken out because I can't stop rubbing it (or maybe they do and they're just too polite to say anything). Sometimes I feel okay with my body but mostly I don't. And before anyone says the old bullshit of "well all you need to do is run and eat healthy": I started working out like a champ last week and I'm trying to be a good girl with my food but I also don't really care which is my downfall. For the most part, I can forget that I'm not as small as I'd like to be by the end of summer when I wear something loose and flow-y (unless you're an asshole and just like to tell people what they should look like and who and what would be all over them if they lost weight. Lookin' at you, douche from my cultural diversity class. I'm glad you fuckin' dropped). To be honest, it never bothers me if anyone says anything because yes, I know. I can see it myself.

All I want in life is to be one of those girls that everyone is jealous of. But the more I think about it, why do I? Because every outfit is effortless and flawless? Because they can wear the same big tshirts I have and look amazing? I'm deciding for myself to stop giving a shit about them. It's not about them, it's about me. It's about what I want to look like. At this moment, I'd be ecstatic if I even lost 10 lbs since every pound makes a difference. I just want to make myself happy and I know that of all the things I could have would make me the happiest. I know this is a sappy ass post with little to no points but that's pretty much me, right? I should just keep telling myself that I'm the prettiest girl I know because even if my chest is huge and my stomach hangs over and my arms have that lunch lady flab, I've still got a pretty face and a pretty good personality (but that's just me). So if anyone hears me say anything like, "I wish I was that girl" or any other self-loathing shit like that. I have to do it for myself or I will just snap and kill everyone one day.

Just kidding about the killing part.

Maybe.

just the smell of the summer can make me fall in love

As y'all have already known it's summer time. A whole bunch of annoying shit is happening to me personally but IT'S SUMMER. nothin' like sittin' outside in a kiddy pool with a couple of beers and pretending you can tan, right? or maybe some bon fires, or camping, or water/theme parks/lakes, oceans and/or rivers with all the too many people/screaming kids/heat exhaustion? maybe even just staying inside, hanging out in your underwear because it's too hot to do anything else? who knows! it's your summer, do what you want with it! if you're like me, you'll probably be too busy fighting to keep your job for undisclosed reasons and then coming home to lay in bed and drink with netflix and bitch all the time.

I LOVE SUMMER. don't get me wrong, I do. it just always seems like I never really do anything. the last time I went on a vacation was 3 years ago when my dad's side of the family had a reunion and we all went to the Gulf of Mexico. I just really end up staying in bed and pretend that I'm going to actually do stuff. well, this year I want to change that. In my (almost 22) years of summer, I have done jack shit, especially since I'm older and the internet exists. When my sister and I were little, we used to go stay 2 months with our grandparents in the mountains where we could (and usually would) watch TV, but there was too much to explore outside! Craft fairs and museums and interesting places and restaurants to go to! SHOPPING! FUN FUN FUN FUN. I want that back. I want fun stuff to do. Now that Denton's getting the DART train, I want to gallivant around ~the big towns~ and party it up and go to the aquarium. Maybe even Six Flags if there's beer! I made a list of the goals I want to try to have accomplished before school (if I don't have to sit out a semester, that is) comes back around.

• KEEP. YOUR. JOB. Do everything you can and if not, there's always something a little bit better to make a little bit better money.
• more arts and crafts! I cannot stress this enough. as an art major, you think I'd be doing more but like I said, internet.
• lose weight before birthday or school. I want to not hate myself anymore, especially since it's getting too damn hot to keep wearing lots of clothes.
• really start 50 Books In A Year list. I've almost finished It's Kind of a Funny Story, which actually is pretty funny and kind of rage inducing all in the same time (I just hate how self centered the main character can be). Part of me wants to start LOTR just because I'm a huge, giant nerd. I plan on buying a Kindle for my birthday (if I don't get fired, that is...) and I already told myself I have to read every book that's on my bookshelf that I haven't read at all or all the way yet.
• watch everything on my netflix instant queue (all 400 things). in order. TV shows excluded because I want Bryan to watch LOST with me.
• become better organized because my life is extremely messy.
  
• learn to be the nice, sweet, helpful person I used to be and grow a f'ing backbone.

that's all for now! I'm going to lay in bed some more and stare at my laundry while I download the Sims 3 and watch It Can Happen to You (who doesn't love Nic Cage and Stanely Tucci together?)

Happy Mother's Day to the best mother possible!

We may fight and get shitty with each other, but I couldn't ask for a better person to have come from! I love you mama (who won't see this)!

artin' & fartin'

So this weekend was Arts & Jazz, which if you're not from my wonderful hometown (bye haters), is exactly what it sounds like: arts and jazz. And booze, really bad for you but kickass food and running into people you know because literally everyone in Denton is there. Bryan and I went both Friday and Saturday, where I proceeded to get a $4 cup of beer (what is that shit? idek know. I should've done like everyone else and brought my own in.) and then we ran into some of our friends who happened to have a Camelbak backpack full of rum. Can I get a hell yeah? So in my slightly drunk wandering, I found a booth full of totally fucked up looking art by a guy who's name escapes me now and who's card I don't have on me. I saw this and knew, just knew I had to have it.
yes, yes that is my #1 hero Hunter S. Thompson. I can't get over how amazing and cool it is. I. Just. Can't.

SPEAKING OF COOL, my mother's day present came! I had one of my favorite gals paint me portraits of our two dogs and they are the best. THE BEST.
I love them so much. She's so fucking talented. It really makes me want to start being artsy again since I'm supposed to be an art major and all (and since I'm supposed to be making something for someone...). And hopefully I can get all this math caught up by next week so I don't get dropped for a semester. I can't bare the shame or embarrassment of being a failure. Pray circle for me y'all!

Down with the brown, Easter & How I'm surving The Storm of the Century (so far)

so this weekend, Bryan and I went to his mom's yesterday morning (after some badass Waffle House. can I get a hell yeah?) to get our hair done and I went through a hair transformation.

WHOA, BROWN HAIR? WHO AM I?

no really, I've been blonde off and on and usually stick to red so I'm back to what's considered my natural color. this is so weird. so. weird.

we also went to the Dublin Dr. Pepper Bottling Factory for a paper & then we sat around during Storm of the Century, pt. 1 in which I cried because there was a tornado near my house and I wasn't there to be freaked out with my family and drank a whole bottle of wine but didn't get drunk at all. and now it's Storm of the Century pt. 2 (possibly) and I already moved my car in Bryan's garage so I ain't going nowhere. plus it's trying to flood/hail and I'm trying not to throw up out of nerves and beerin' it up and trying to do math homework without crying.

oh and we also went to the Ft. Worth Zoo for another paper/so I could see the fake dinosaurs and almost scream/barf in the reptile house (I hate snakes. I'm just like Indiana Jones!) now if you excuse me, I'm gonna stress eat a chocolate bunny.

hope y'all had a good weekend/Easter!

so the other day when I was cleaning, iTunes was being wonderful and syncing songs up perfectly on shuffle. I'm a big fan of shuffle. anyways, it was making the perfect spring mix but I got distracted and forgot to write it down so I could make a mix. so I'm going to attempt a half assed version of a mix with youtube. deal with it, punks.














enjoy and laugh at my weirdo taste in music!

Stress stress stressin'

continuous paranoid feelings about my car and tons of schoolwork are just eating away at me. I need a hug or a shot or both at the same time.

anyways, I just divulged in a little retail therapy to make myself better (it's not really helping). thank the lord for Forever 21 and their free shipping after $50. cleaning my room is making me feel a little less panicked. I know right now everything feels like it's falling all around me but I know it'll pick itself back up and everything will be okay again.

OKAY other than this week being kinda crazy, I was grateful for this weekend even though I had to work yesterday and moved around tons of files/lifted really heavy boxes. I'm determined to become the greatest file clerk my work has ever seen. Bryan and I went to Freebirds on Friday after we weren't sure if we really should go. it was so worth the 10-15 minute wait in line. Saturday, obviously I worked which was probably the sweatiest I've ever gotten there but it's really worth it (how many times can I say "worth it" in today's blog. LET'S FIND OUT.) because it makes it easier on me. also, our service manager found this in the trunk of someone's car in the shop

"love thy neighbor as Jesus loved his dragon"

a little bit o' this, a little bit o' that pt. 2

this whole week has been freakin' crazy. I finally feel like I got caught up in my classes and even though it's now ~sPrInG bReAk 2k11~ all I can feel is "what spring break because I'll be working and doing school work". exciting life, let me tell you what.

yesterday was my Aunt Pat's memorial and it was just so amazing, which probably isn't the best thing to say about a funeral but as my cousin Jake said, "we put the fun in funerals!" there were plenty of tears and laughter, and my dad did so great delivering my Aunt Michelle's speech for her and it killed me because I know how hard it had to be on him, considering this was like his second mother. but Aunt Pat would've been so proud of her Little Guy. :') we spent all day in the car pretty much, had road beers and shot the shit the whole way back. I really couldn't ask for a better family, even if they are slightly off and annoying sometimes. I honestly love them.

oh, and I spent about $100+ today at Old Navy and Cato's. so worth it though. I've actually spent so much in the past couple of days and I don't even care. tomorrow I'm (hopefully) going to start doing the 30 Day Shred again (do that every other day and do pilates on the days I don't) so I can get rid of my gross ass gut and actually have the self-confidence I need. and I'm really excited about tomorrow because my sister Sarah and I are going to see this for my cultural diversity class (but really, for us to drool and cry)

there will probably be tears.

March Madness (not related to the basketball whatever and actually more boring)

since we're done with the shit show called February, I decided to take a different approach to March: make things positive. this includes

• working harder & actually caring about my school work and work work because it looks good and it'll be better and make me stress less if I just get it done ASAP. plus then I can have more time to just chill and eat snacks in my bed.
  
• start working out/actually eating better again because I'm personally sick and fucking tired of hating my body and hating that nothing looks good on me imo.
• speaking of bodies, buying ~nicer~ clothes and attempt to look put together. this may or may not have to do with the fact that I keep getting side-eyed and that my dad told me I dress too teenager. I hate teenagers.
  
• challenging myself with the 50 books in a year challenge. we have enough possible interesting books around here and I have some pretty good friends who'd let me borrow some for the sake of being smarter. right, guys?
• do more art stuff. my campus does an art show and it'd probably look good if I made something awesome and entered it since I'm art club treasurer and all. plus it doesn't hurt if I win something, does it?
  
• just keep telling yourself that you are fabulous and fuck anyone who disagrees.
  

cool? cool.

hello darkness, my old friend

the past couple of days have just sucked. I've been (still am, tbh) behind in school, and on Saturday we found out my dad's Aunt Pat passed away (she had been losing her battle with lung cancer for about a month or so) and then this morning, my mom dropped a huge bombshell on me: they're having our oldest dog, Jessie put down. this is honestly the second worse passing I've experience, the first being my grandfather. we've been having heart worm problems with her for about a year on top of her just being old in general (she was 14, which apparently = 81). she was our little rescue dog. My mom, sister and I went to the Denton Arts & Jazz festival (which is exactly what it sounds like) and my sister wandered off with some of her friends when my mom and I went to the ASPCA tent. we weren't even thinking about getting a dog, we just love animals and want to love all over them. then we saw her, giving us the perfect brown-eyed "please take me home look". we asked if we could see her and they let her out of the cage and we petted and fawned all over her and told them we'd come back after they kept trying to get us to adopt her. we made our rounds and saw another couple looking at her, which made my mom want her more. after talking them down $20 and learning that we had just saved her from being put down, we got her.

she was just the sweetest dog I've ever known. I can't say how happy I am she was part of my family. my sister called me today to let me know that she was going to pay to get her individually cremated and bring the ashes to my mom, who sobbed when she broke the news.

now enough of the sad shit, time for cute Jessie Moof-Moof White pic spam:

Rest in peace, you most perfect cowdog.

a little bit o' this, a little bit o' that pt. 1

• hey y'all, it's a snow day! which is kinda hard to believe since this is Texas and we're practically in the 90s all the time. but whatever, I got a text from the school announcing that campus is canceled tomorrow. I ain't mad. it just means I probably won't go to work and no work means no green if ya know what I mean.
• I've been reading this
  
  and I think it defeats the purpose, but I actually kinda feel bad for the guys. I love learning about the ~misfits~ of society and I'm kinda morbid in a way so it all works out. I recommend it though, if you're into that kinda stuff (which I know you are).
• this weekend, Bryan and I went to his mom's to get our hair done. I've done blond once before, but it was kind of awful because it was incredibly yellow and gross. but this time it came out so much like my natural (if it's still my natural) hair color. It's safe to say that I'm in love.
  
• and yesterday, this guy in my Cultural Diversity class caught up with me coming from the library and the first thing out of his mouth was "hey, I wanna tell you something but don't take it the wrong way...." and I was like hoooooo boy, what now? and he proceeds to tell me "you are so gorgeous but you know, guys would be all over you if you just lost a little bit of weight." I couldn't even be mad! so I just laughed, said my thanks and that dudes couldn't be all over me anyways and walked off. I mean, that shit only happens in movies/TV right? it was just funny to me and almost a little flattering? who knows, I'm weird enough to take that as a compliment even though most girls would flip out on him. I'm very aware of my huge gut, thank you.
• it's Party Down, season 1 and drinking time. BYE BITCHES.
  

fixing a hole where the rain gets in

it has been done, y'all! all my school shit (obviously) got sorted out. I'm kind of laughing at myself because of my choice for english. here's a fact: I'm not so good at it. I mean, I read all the time but having to pick out literary devices and all that? No. Plus it being Shakespeare, and I do love Shakespeare, it's probably going to kick my ass because I have to do so much thinking. I can't really think, either. or really I can't articulate what I want to say very well sometimes. I probably didn't even use articulate right. I am really pumped for my Cultural Diversity class though. apparently our final is going to be us cooking food. cooking food. for a final. plus the professor is really awesome so that's a bonus. my government professor though may drive me insane just because of how he speaks and how boring he seems to be. I'M SORRY, I KNOW THAT'S RUDE BUT I CAN'T STAND BORING TEACHERS. the way he lectures reminds me of how child me used to do how-to papers: "and now I'm gonna show you how to blah blah blah, now we're gonna look at this, anyways here's this to look at" YOU DRIVE ME INSANE, PLEASE STOP. plus he's making us have our chapter review done by Wednesday and I didn't even buy my book because a lot of times you don't even need your book, so it's stressing me out.

But now I have to read act 1 of Macbeth, I mean the Scottish Play (you can't call it Macbeth in my class because of ~the curse~, but y'all probably knew that) and do some cleaning before I go to work. it's nice to only have one class on Fridays because that means I have actual time to do stuff before work. plus it's PAY DAY so I may or may not have a cool awesome look what I've got post a-comin'.