Thursday, May 1, 2014

Oh, hi. It's been a while, hasn't it?
A lot has changed. 
I don't really know how to go about this so I'll just go ahead and say it: I've been dealing with a lot of shit. Personal shit, but nothing devastating. Bryan and I are still together, my family is still intact, I still have friends, I still have a job, I still have things to make me happy. 

Except myself. This past year/last couple of months have been taking their toll on me. I've noticed since leaving high school, my anxiety has increased and has become sort of like a Hydra: slice one of it's heads off, another one grows back. It's a never ending cycle of worry and self doubt and shame and feeling like a lost, lonely puppy. Just when I think I'm good to go, another problem pops up in my head and I stress and turn more hair grey and shake and want to run to the bathroom and cry until I feel okay again. I know a lot of people probably just think that this is easy and all I have to do is not let it get to me, but I can't. I can't stop it. I think about how I really want to go back to school and get my bachelor's, but then I think about money and how I don't have enough and don't even know the first thing about getting that money. I think about how I need to get out of my car because it's 14 years old and things are falling apart, but I don't have the money for that either. I have plenty in my savings (finally, that was like pulling teeth to get me to open up my own account under my name and start a savings) but not even enough for a down payment, unless I want to buy one of those beat up, POSes on the side of the road. I even think about when friends invite me out to go do things, even if it's just a drink, but I'm too anxious to go see people, even if I've known them for years, so I don't go out and just stay home because it's easier and I don't have to worry about coming off too awkward or weird or worry about how people see me. My motivation has gone completely flat. I start something and when it doesn't turn out how I envisioned it, I give up. I don't want to give up. I get so mad at seeing other people attempt and do things because I can't figure out how to get myself to do it. 

I don't want to give up. 

It's not in my nature to give up. I know I'm too stubborn and hardheaded to give up. It's like it comes in waves. I get all excited because I have an idea of what I'm going to do when I get off work and go home and then once I get there, it's drained out of me. Start a new painting? Nah, I'll just watch some Netflix. Start yoga up again? Well, I haven't played Animal Crossing in 2 days, so I'll just do that. Start cleaning up my room because it's an awful wreck? I'll just open this bottle of wine and distract myself from it. I even started a book around Christmas and I'm just now 80% done with it. It's like I can't do anything without distracting myself from it and it's truly stressing me out because by the time I decide, "oh shit, I haven't done anything all day!" it's already 9 p.m. and I have barely enough motivation to shower before bed. 

I finally (after some persuasion from my mom) to give going to the doctor a chance. I haven't talked to a doctor about my real problems since I started 8th grade when I decided I didn't feel like I needed to take anything for my ADHD. Just getting all this out is helping, even though in the back of my mind, I'm telling myself that no one will see this or care about it. I've attempted and stopped myself so many times from making vague Facebook statuses about how I've been feeling but anxiety reared it's ugly head and told me that no one cares about my problems, about my anxiety, about how I really do miss my friends but I don't know how to tell them I'm too scared to hang out with them because I feel like a loser compared to them. 

 I don't want this to seem like a cop out. I know a lot of people come up with excuses all the time, but I feel sincere and genuine when I say that I really want to get better, and hopefully finally talking to a doctor will help and we can find out what will help me. Maybe then I'll actually start giving a shit about my life and not burying myself into a security blanket and staying there until all my problems go away. I know this is little compared to what other people are going through, this is barely a scratch compared to others. But it's been affecting me for 6 years and just keeps getting worse and I feel like I'm going to reach my breaking point soon. I'm doing this for me. I'm finally doing something to help me. I always feel like I want to help everyone else (even if it doesn't seem like it) but I can't even bring myself to help myself. I'm almost 25. I still live at home, I need a better job, a better car, a desire to go back to school, but with all this anxiety, it feels like a roadblock. I want to bulldoze this roadblock, if not entirely then enough so it's out of the way I want to go (this is a weird analogy, but that's why I majored in art, not in English. I no words so good.).

It feels really good to finally get this off my chest, even if it is only for a short while. My appointment is in 2 weeks, maybe I'll feel brave enough (so brave, I know, like I said, my problem is big to me even though it's tiny compared to others) to spill how I'm feeling again. Hell, even this is kind of therapeutic even if it does feel kind of like a stupid after-school PSA. 

I know this has gotten a little on the rambling side, but if you've stuck through and actually read this, then I present you this corgi gif: