I have a problem. I see these gorgeous, skinny, long haired babes and I'm like "hey, I can look as good as they do! I have almost the same clothes they do, I can make this work." Which turns out, no, no I can't. I'm short, chubby and my hair really needs to be cut and not by myself. I can't really dress myself because I end up hating how everything looks on me and I almost want to just crawl into bed all day because if I go out, I'll end up thinking everyone is judging me. Kinda like how I think everyone is judging me for being "dressed up" and not wearing sweatpants like them, which is stupid because if I'm gonna be in sweatpants, then I'm gonna want to be in bed with a beer and something shitty on TV. I know that I have self-esteem issues that came from gaining all the weight from moving out in the country where there's literally nothing do. Then I lost it because I got my first boyfriend and didn't want him to see me eat. Then I gained it because I figured there was nothing to do but eat. Then I kinda lost it and it kept yo-yo-ing and plateauing until I met Bryan and got on birth control, where everything evened out until I got the Comfortable Weight from eating all the time from dates and trying to keep up with him and his insane metabolism. Then I gained more when we broke up and I gained more when we got back together. Oh yeah, and then when I turned 21 last year and haven't put the beer bottle down.
I know you're wondering, why am I spilling my heart and guts out to everyone about my shitty feelings about myself? Well, I really do like myself. I do. I happen to think I'm hilarious, gorgeous, incredibly nice when really I'm cranky from working all the time and not sleeping, and I like to make sure everyone I care about is okay. I just don't like my weight. I already know that my frame is supposed to be small, but not small like my mom was when she was my age. That's just freaky. I just want to not feel so gross. I know others don't see me as gross, even when my hair is greasy and my face is broken out because I can't stop rubbing it (or maybe they do and they're just too polite to say anything). Sometimes I feel okay with my body but mostly I don't. And before anyone says the old bullshit of "well all you need to do is run and eat healthy": I started working out like a champ last week and I'm trying to be a good girl with my food but I also don't really care which is my downfall. For the most part, I can forget that I'm not as small as I'd like to be by the end of summer when I wear something loose and flow-y (unless you're an asshole and just like to tell people what they should look like and who and what would be all over them if they lost weight. Lookin' at you, douche from my cultural diversity class. I'm glad you fuckin' dropped). To be honest, it never bothers me if anyone says anything because yes, I know. I can see it myself.
All I want in life is to be one of those girls that everyone is jealous of. But the more I think about it, why do I? Because every outfit is effortless and flawless? Because they can wear the same big tshirts I have and look amazing? I'm deciding for myself to stop giving a shit about them. It's not about them, it's about me. It's about what I want to look like. At this moment, I'd be ecstatic if I even lost 10 lbs since every pound makes a difference. I just want to make myself happy and I know that of all the things I could have would make me the happiest. I know this is a sappy ass post with little to no points but that's pretty much me, right? I should just keep telling myself that I'm the prettiest girl I know because even if my chest is huge and my stomach hangs over and my arms have that lunch lady flab, I've still got a pretty face and a pretty good personality (but that's just me). So if anyone hears me say anything like, "I wish I was that girl" or any other self-loathing shit like that. I have to do it for myself or I will just snap and kill everyone one day.
Just kidding about the killing part.
Maybe.
